The story is told of a wife growing more and more frustrated over her husband, Harvey’s, progressive hearing loss. She insisted he go to the doctor for tests and hearing aids but he claimed nothing was wrong and refused to go (you know how it can be with prideful men). She called the doctor and poured out her frustration to him, and the doctor gave her a simple way to determine the extent of her husband’s hearing loss. While Harvey was standing at the kitchen counter making a sandwich, she quietly came up to 15 feet behind him and said in a normal voice, “Harvey; Harvey, can you hear me?” There was no response from Harvey so she moved to 10 feet behind him and called his name once more, again with no response. She then moved to 5 feet behind him and said, “Harvey; Harvey…” Harvey responded, “For the third and last time, what do you want!!??” 

In my experience, virtually every time I form a perspective of a loved one’s behavior, motives, feelings, etc. I later discover that my perception was significantly flawed and way different than their reality and perceptions. And just as Harvey’s wife was the one experiencing the hearing loss rather than Harvey, I most often find that I bear some accountability, whether through my own behaviors or flawed perspective, for many of the misunderstandings  and frustrations that sometimes arise in my relationships with others.

Let us learn to not entirely trust and act on our initial perspectives as we try to understand the behaviors of others. First we can look at ourselves to see our own  involvement and accountability, then through healthy communication we can find clarity, understanding, and empathy for those we love, and resolve issues from a place of shared perspective.

I have been thinking a lot lately about three little tools.  In fact, they cross my mind nearly every time I help a couple to communicate better with one another.  They are to Mirror, Validate, and Empathize. The bottom line to understand about communication is that people want to be heard.  That is why we tend to speak louder, harsher, and without cessation when no one is truly listening.  No doubt you have experienced this in your relationship at one point or another.  Mirroring, validating, and empathizing in a conversation can ensure that your partner feels heard.

To Mirror, you must simply repeat what you have heard your partner say, but in your own words.  Don’t repeat it word for word, because no one likes a parrot and it is not sincere.

To Validate, you must acknowledge that what your partner has said is indeed valid for him/her.

To Empathize, you must convey that you understand how your partner feels and that you can relate to it on some level.

Next time you are in a conversation with your significant other and you sense that the volume is getting louder, the words are becoming harsher, and there is hardly a pause to breathe, take a step back and listen.  Then, mirror, validate, and empathize. Chances are, the mood will change, the conversation will be more productive, and your relationship will be strengthened.

From Biblical Proverbs to Shakespearean plays to common modern idioms we can find wise counsel that the outcome of any event is most dependent on how it starts. Even rappers know this truth–” You know where it ends yo, it usually depends on where you start!” (”What It’s Like;” Everlast) 

A common mistake in marriages is that of beginning what we hope will be a discussion of possible solutions to an issue with a harsh verbal attack of blame and demands. Invariably the result of such a beginning will be an ending that is as bad or worse than the start. No lasting resolution will be found and the trust and safety of the relationship will be violated.

While there are many keys to ensuring healthy and productive communication on thorny issues, a “soft start” is a crucial one. You can let your partner know of your concerns without turning it into personal attack or a blame-game.

When we criticize our partners, their natural instinct is toward defensiveness which leads to either counter-aggression or “checking out” of the discussion emotionally and/or physically. So rather than accomplishing our goal of a solution and a better relationship, we get damage, frustration, and misery.

Rather than heatedly saying to our partners, “I am so tired of your laziness and not getting any help from you!” we might say, “Honey, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Could you give me a hand with a few chores?” You will likely find some immediate help as well as a safe way to discuss longer term solutions.

You don’t need to hide your needs or play the silent martyr when things aren’t working in your relationship. Just remember that your partner has their own perspective and will be more open to yours when they feel invited to seek solutions rather than forced to defend themselves.

One of the key moments in any marriage struggling to get better comes when one partner or both begins to seriously consider a certain relationship conundrum or paradox. The paradox is this:

To truly find joy in a relationship, we must feel accepted and offer our partner acceptance. Yet we are fallible humans who make mistakes and missteps, hurting ourselves and our partner. How can we be accepting of an imperfect person without enabling them in their wrongdoings? 

Most people worry that if they accept and love their partner as they are, they are inviting that partner to continue making the same mistakes and will end up inhibiting the partner’s growth. And so we resort to criticism, complaints, and demands, believing that if we point out our partner’s weaknesses and foibles just one more time, with a little more forcefulness, they will finally get the message and shape up. This has been the failed pattern of relationships for thousands of years, yet we still choose to knock our heads against that dead end.

Many years ago at a time when our marriage was struggling in many ways, largely due to my own mistakes and selfishness, my wife, Margo, came to me and said something extraordinary. She told me, “I want you to know that I accept you. I love you just the way you are.” She left it at that, she did not add, “But I can’t wait for you to get better!”

You might think that this extraordinary act of generosity might have given me license to behave in any bad way I wanted since my wife would love me anyway. But it was the exact opposite for me as I felt freed to change in positive ways; I was inspired to get better for myself and for Margo.

That is the miracle of accepting someone as they are. Research shows that it is this acceptance that seems to generate the greatest positive change in others. While threats and anger might force temporary change in someone, it never lasts long and damages the relationship in the meantime.

Here is the great balance to that gift of Acceptance: the additional gift of Accountability.

While it might seem counter-intuitive,  experience proves again and again that we can be lovingly accepting of a person (whether our partner, children, friends, etc.), while still holding them accountable for their behavior. Acceptance of a person is NOT acceptance of their negative behavior. When Margo expressed her love and acceptance of me, she in no way resolved me of my accountability for any negatives I was bringing into our marriage.

We can deal with a person’s mistakes in effective and healthy ways without attacking or labeling the person. In doing so we help our partner to feel safe in taking their own accountability, and more open toward us.

Hint: This lifestyle of Acceptance and Accountability will become easier and more effective as YOU are prepared to always take accountability for your own failings and mistakes. As our partner senses our willingness to be an accountable person, they will feel safe and invited to be the same.

The song “Love is a Rose” by Neil Young has always been one of my favorites.  I mention it now because of a truth that it speaks to me.  The song begins, “Love is a rose, but you better not pick it.  It only grows when it’s on the vine.  Handful of thorns and you’ll know you’ve missed it.  You lose your love when you say the word mine.” 

Love is indeed like a rose.  As a verb, love connotes action.  When the action ceases, the love dies. In other words, love must be maintained in order for it to survive.

For many of us who are in committed relationships, the love that we feel wanes from time to time.  For some, the love may have even diminished entirely.  So what can we do to strengthen our love, or bring it back from the dead, so it can maintain its full bloom?  For an answer, look back to the last line of the song verse above. “You lose your love when you say the word mine.”

As long as you act selfishly, the love you seek will elude you. If you really love your partner, or want to love them, begin to act selflessly for them.  Plan a date that they will want to do.  Leave the last piece of desert for them.  Offer to give them a back massage or foot rub.  Like water and sun to a rose, selfless acts of kindness will nourish the love in your relationship and help it to blossom.

At our LIFE Marriage Retreats Margo and I describe to couples the way we envision a conflict or issue we are dealing with. Rather than allowing the issue to come between us as something to be fought over, leading to a struggle to prove ourselves right, we instead work to envision ourselves on the same side, standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with the issue from that vantage point. We realize that we want to be on the same side more than we want to “win” the argument. We remind ourselves that our marriage relationship is far more important than the disagreements we might have.

 There is nothing wrong with conflict in a marriage, it is inevitable. Conflict is simply a different perspective, a dissimilar opinion of possible solutions. It is when we begin to contend or fight over the conflict that it becomes damaging. We have the choice in every disagreement to either tear our partner down in an effort to prove ourselves right, or to unite to solve a common problem, building our relationship in the process.

 The next time an issue arises in your relationship be aware of how you perceive the situation. Are you looking at your partner as the problem and as an adversary? If so, make a shift and see the issue as the problem, and unite with your partner in finding common ground and a solution that works best for all. Problem solving always feels best as part of a team rather than as adversaries.

How long did it take you to realize that your marriage or committed relationship was not going to entirely be a bed of roses? A few months? Or did the honeymoon phase last for a full year?

The so-called honeymoon phase is a wonderful time for a couple and helps us create some cherished shared memories and strong bonds to help us weather future trials. But it is not meant to last. While romance and hormones can and should continue to play their parts in our maturing relationship, they should primarily be a bridge leading us to the warm, intimate, and fulfilling companionship that marks the happiest lasting marriages. The relationship fires still burn, but their warmth is constant and glowing in contrast to the relatively brief and meteoric heat of early romance.

This is as it should be. Those who mourn the perceived decline in romantic fires have not yet grasped what lies next in a healthy and well-managed relationship. They can look forward to growing trust, a deeper emotional connection, and a clarity of relationship vision and goals. They can also look forward to the attainment of relationship Wisdom. This wisdom helps us keep our marriage pointing “True North” even in the midst of the occasional fogs and storms that might temporarily obscure the sun and guiding landmarks. 

A crucial part of that wisdom is the understanding that our partner will never be “perfect.” There will always be some percentage of their behaviors or ways of being that we might find irritating or exasperating, and that we might change if we could tap them with a magic wand. Thank heaven we don’t have such a magic wand, as that would destroy one of the major purposes of marriage. Our deepest and most committed relationship is where we will experience the greatest refining of our hearts and souls. Marriage is the great classroom of the Universe that best tutors us in the highest laws of kindness, patience, accountability, and charity.

So next time you find yourself irritated over something your partner has said or done, rather than fuming about how to solve this “problem,” it might be more healthy to simply accept it as a fact of life. From there you can better learn how to focus on their best traits and enjoy the many strengths and gifts they bring into the relationship.

Some habits and behaviors MUST be dealt with and changed in healthy ways. Some lines such as civility and fidelity must not be crossed. But it is our experience at LIFE Couples Retreats in working with couples that many of the complaints partners have about one another can be charitably overlooked and the person accepted as they are.

Here is the payoff: Research shows that as we love and accept our partner for who and what they are we free them and invite them to change in more positive ways than we ever can through complaints and demands. This is the beautiful paradox of marriage–the more we love and accept one another the way we are, the more positive change we experience in ourselves and our partner.

I have shared with many of our couples a bit of what I call “fortune cookie wisdom”.  When I was first engaged to my wife I went through a period of doubt.  I repeatedly asked myself whether I would be happy with her or if she was right for me.  On one particular evening I was experiencing these feelings of uncertainty while on a double date at a Chinese Restaurant.  At the conclusion of the meal, I broke open my fortune cookie and read my fortune.  It read, “Stop looking for happiness.  It is right beside you.”  

I was immediately impressed by this so-called fortune because my soon to be wife was literally sitting right beside me.  Did the cookie know my future?  Of course not.  The point is that happiness is a choice that we make and is not dependent on the alignment of the stars or any other method of divination.  

I imagine you are visiting this blog because you are looking for opportunities to improve your marriage or committed relationship.  Somehow, your relationship has degraded from a state of safety and commitment to a state of pain and waivering devotion.  Have the stars conspired against you?  Are you destined to be miserable?  My answer for you is a resounding NO.  

After reading my fortune and looking at my wife for a brief moment I decided then and there that I was going to be happy with her as my wife.  And you know what?  I certainly have been.  

At LIFE Marriage retreats we teach many principles.  A few of them encompass our freedom to choose.  Whatever state your relationship is in, we can help, but more importantly, you can help by choosing to bring happiness into your life.

Do you want to see an immediate positive change in the dynamics of your relationship? Read on…

Have you ever wondered how the early and joyful days of marriage, times filled with hope and anticipation for the future, often turn into a death march toward some sad finish line filled with misery and regret?

Numberless books and articles have been written about destructive marriage patterns and advice on how to break out of them. In our next two newsletters I will boil many of those harmful patterns down to two related things that, if turned around, can help change the entire dynamic of your relationship TODAY. 

First we must accept as a given that in any relationship between two fallible humans both partners are going to make mistakes and will hurt one another. Obviously we want to keep those mistakes to a minimum, but we will never fully eliminate them. In fact, in our experience, great relationships are not defined by the absence of mistakes, but by the willingness and ability to work through them, and especially the willingness and ability to seek and offer forgiveness.

If a family cannot consistently deal with the inevitable mistakes and failures we all experience, the debris and toxic air will eventually grow to a point that the family is crushed and poisoned. Thus the absolute requirement that we all learn to repent and forgive.

Seeking Forgiveness

How quickly we can heal wounds and calm troubled waters by recognizing our mistakes, feeling regret for them, and offering a heartfelt apology to those whom we have offended. While a quick “I’m sorry” might suffice if you carelessly bump into your partner coming out of the bathroom, a failure to keep a promise or deliver on one of your roles and responsibilities might take more than a couple of words. We might need to take verbal accountability as we say something like, “I know I promised that I would come home early and help clean the garage today. It wasn’t right that I didn’t do it and I apologize.”

Please note the absence of excuses and justification in that apology. While there sometimes might need to be some explanation in an apology, never allow that explanation to be an excuse. When we have made a promise to a loved one, only the most dire of circumstances should impede us from delivering on it.

There may be need in some particularly hurtful circumstances to apologize more than once. In the above example we might later on at bedtime say to our partner, “I still feel badly I did not follow through on my promise. I know it probably caused problems with your schedule and what you hoped to get done today.”

There might be times when you are just a part of the problem or mistake, with your partner sharing in the error. Once again, you can introduce peace and healing as you choose to be the first to take accountability. You might say something like, “Wow, I apologize for my part in putting us so far behind schedule. I really lost track of time.” Your partner might or might not elect to take their share of accountability and it will be counterproductive if you demand that they do.

Most often as you take accountability it will help your partner to feel safe enough to take their own, but basing your willingness to seek forgiveness on your partner’s reciprocating will often lead the relationship into even shakier ground. It has been pointed out that ultimately we can only clean up our own side of the street, not our partner’s. But keeping our side clean will inspire our partner to maintain their’s as well.

The Key is Humility

What is the key to an apology and seeking of forgiveness? Humility.  Humility has many components, but in a relationship it means possessing an openness and willingness to recognize and admit when we are wrong or have made a mistake. It is the knowledge that we don’t have all the answers and are open to learning. And certainly this means that we will unilaterally seek forgiveness and do our best to correct our mistakes.

When our couples become embroiled in attempts to justify their negative actions or shift their share of the accountability, we sometimes ask them, “Would you rather be right or happy?” They ruefully answer that happiness is their goal and once again find humility and soon discover the win/win that is always awaiting couples who conquer the mountain of pride.

Sometimes when a couple is struggling and has built up significant resentment it can feel difficult to be the one to take the initiative and admit your own accountability and apologize. But I promise that the fruits of that effort will be among the sweetest you have ever tasted.

Next time we will talk about how to forgive.

A very common bit of advice all of us hear is to be ‘open and honest’ in our marriage relationships, and that if we have any issues or negative feelings we should not delay in expressing them and talking them out.

For many people that bit of advice fits well with their natural inclinations and so they hold it up as an example to their partner of how their relationship should be. For other people the phrase ‘open and honest’ conjures up images of confrontation, complaining, criticizing, and frequent verbal ambushes, and so they feel it more healthy to avoid what they perceive as negative discussions.

So who is right?

For most couples the answer is probably somewhere in between. Recent research seems to indicate that we unilaterally can work out many of the day-to-day issues and irritations in our lives, without having to make a big production out of it. Sometimes when we think about setting some irritation aside for a while we translate that to mean we are stuffing it and it will just fester. That does not have to the be the case.

More often than not we can resolve our own irritation just by looking at the issue from different sides and realizing there are other valid points of view, without having to engage in a deep and emotional discussion to dot every i and cross every t of those points of view. Sometimes we can just put an issue out of our mind for a while and when we come back to it will find the negative energy has dissipated, or an easy solution has become clear.

In fact, many couples find that the supposed healthy “venting” they have been advised to do very often causes the problem to grow and to take on even greater negative energy. Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness says, “Emotions, left to themselves, will dissipate…Expressed and dwelt upon, though, emotions multiply and imprison you in a vicious cycle of dealing fruitlessly with past wrongs.”

As we focus on the issue and irritation we will find it growing and becoming more malignant, and if we take that negative judgment and energy into a conversation, it will just make things worse.

We NEVER want to remove the phrase ‘honest and open’ from our relationship vocabulary. We never want to stuff feelings or avoid healthy relationship communication because we are afraid of conflict. So how much venting of emotions and perceived problems and issues is needed in a healthy relationship? Here are a few guidelines:

1. Personal Accountability. Before bringing a perceived problem or complaint to your partner, take some time to consider your personal accountability and how you are perceiving the issue. You might see some things that you can change about you and your point of view and discover that solutions are within your individual reach.

2. Don’t confront your partner on any issue in the ‘heat of the moment.’  Set it aside for a while and see what it looks like after a night’s sleep or after some reflection. With a little time the issues that deserve to be handled by both partners will rise to the surface and can be approached in a healthy and productive way. Others will simply fade away or be handled unilaterally.

3. If it feels like you are stuffing an issue and allowing it to fester, then that is a sign that it is something that needs to be discussed. Approach your partner in kindness and patience and with a sense of your own accountability and you will be on the road to finding a mutually satisfying solution.

4. If it feels as if you are hiding something from your partner or that honesty is being violated in your relationship, chances are you (or your partner) are avoiding accountability and perceived painful confrontation, and something needs to be discussed.

5. Some relationship issues should always be addressed and dealt with together. On the right hand column of this page under Categories you will see one section entitled “3 Non-Negotiable Baselines.” These postings will give you some ideas of issues that always must be dealt with and resolved as a couple.

There is a great saying that goes, “What you choose to Suppress, your partner will eventually Express.” If there are unresolved issues or emotions in the relationship that are introducing tension, dishonesty, or mistrust into the marriage then absolutely deal with those in a healthy, honest way through appropriate communication.

But on the other hand, if there are issues and irritations that can be resolved through exercising some unilateral patience and kindness, or by setting them aside for a time, or dealing with them from your own space of accountability and change, it will save some wear and tear on your relationship.

Like so much in our relationships, it is just a question of balance.