I am going to combine three of the myths into one for this posting:

      1.   If we have true love then we shouldn’t have to “work” at our marriage; it will simply be a natural process.

2.      If our marriage does not have the same hormonal fireworks as our courtship and newlywed days, we are failing.

3.      We just sort of fell out of love.  

Many years ago as I was struggling to define myself and figure out why my marriage relationship seemed to be stuck and stagnant I happened to hear the Bruce Springsteen song, “One Step Up and Two Steps Back.” Springsteen comes to an important realization as he sings, “I look in the mirror and I don’t see the man I wanted to be—somewhere along the line I slipped off track; one step up and two steps back.”

As I looked in my mirror I came to the same conclusion that I had slipped off track; and then with a new sense of purpose I took accountability for my own failings and neglect of my relationship and set out on a new relationship journey, committed to a new way of growth and rebuilding. It was the best commitment I ever made.

A vibrant, living marriage relationship provides us with the greatest test to our commitment and resiliency that most of us will ever know. It is a complex organism that will both delight and humble us. It is the great schoolroom and laboratory of life that will expose all of our weaknesses and failings, even as it refines us and, if we let it, ultimately leads us to become the people we are meant to be.

Perhaps the saddest thing we see is people who waste the potentially ennobling experiences of marriage and instead complain that they “have just lost the feelings,” or criticize their partner for not meeting their picture of the “ideal.”

Marriage is meant to be a challenging, rewarding, confusing, fulfilling, frustrating, joyful crucible of experiences that constantly tests us even as it rewards us with the sweetest fruits we will ever know.

The supercharged romantic experience of early marriage is meant to decline in favor of a strong, fulfilling, and lasting companionship. This does not mean the fire and passion dies, but instead gives off a constant warmth of comfort and safety rather than sparks and explosions that exhaust and eventually jade us.

As we deal with the challenges and opportunities of marriage in healthy and learning ways we will experience more and more joy and pleasure and less and less pain and frustration. We have a choice: learn the enduring lessons marriage has to offer and discover peace and harmony; or live in the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

One of the principles that marriage most wants to teach us is Humility. As we maintain a sense of openness and teachability everything becomes possible. From such a position we will recognize the need to develop and grow in our relationships through learning and experience. We will understand that marriage contentment and success lies much more in our willingness to change ourselves than in demanding change of our partner. We will come to learn that the key to building a better marriage is to first build a better self, then bring that better self into the relationship day by day.

If you find yourself exhausted and bedraggled in your relationship one of the best ways to get back on track is to attend a LIFE Marriage Retreat. At the Retreat you will deal with the issues and challenges that have bogged you down even as you learn the principles and skills that define every successful marriage and feel those gain traction in your heart and relationship.

The story is told of the woman who, while making dinner one night, was asked by her daughter why she cut the end of the roast off before placing it in the pan to cook. “Because that was always the way my mother did it,” she answered. But it got her thinking so she called her mother to ask her the same question. “Because that is the way your grandmother always did it,” she informed her   daughter. But that, in turn, got her to thinking so she called her own aged mother and asked, “Mom, why did you cut the end off the roasts before cooking them?” Her mother was a little surprised by the question but said, “Well dear, I had a small roasting pan so I had to cut the end off the roast for it to fit.”

We all bring enormous influences with us from our families of origin (as well as from other life experiences) into our own marriages and families. If only all those influences and habits were healthy and productive! But as much as our families loved us, most of us picked up some baggage from mom and dad and siblings that we now would just as soon not have.

We have previously talked about the fall of a great Mayan city due to allowing disease-carrying Spanish sailors inside their city walls. We compared that tragedy to that which afflicts many marriages and families as they allow negative influences into their sacred homes and relationships through the Internet and other media.

Fortunately, as we discussed in previous postings,  every family can take preventative steps to protect themselves from many of these destructive outside influences. But what of those harmful traits that are brought into the home and relationship by family members in the form of attitudes, fixed beliefs, and habits?

• A husband brings with him from his family of origin a tendency to be harsh and even abusive toward his wife and children.
• A wife who observed her own mother’s lack of honesty now finds it difficult to be open and honest in her own marriage.
• Spouses whose own parents divorced have no clear vision of what a healthy marriage and family can be.
• Parents and children, bombarded with negative messages both inside and outside the home turn cynical and selfish with those who most deserve their love.

In our Marriage Retreats we do not encourage couples to get lost in blaming their past experiences (especially in their family of origin) for their current marriage troubles, but there can be some benefit in recognizing that, along with many positives, we all bring some harmful influences with us as we form the nucleus of a new family from two very different people.

We can control usage of the Internet and turn off the TV. But how do we deal with deep-seated fears, resentments, trust issues, and negative behaviors that lie within ourselves and our partners?

At a LIFE Marriage Retreat couples learn and practice the true principles and skills that define every successful marriage and life of meaning. They discover that as they make shifts in their perspective and pay attention to the results in their lives they can lay down the negative baggage they carry and replace it with  beliefs, behaviors, and goals that keep them pointed toward their objectives of a healthy and happy marriage and family.

It is not always an easy process to overcome deep-seated beliefs and behaviors, but we see couples succeed in doing so at every Retreat.

Success will not come just by digging those harmful tendencies out and thinking the work is done.  The real key is to see and believe in principles and practices that really work. It then becomes an almost natural process to allow those to simply replace the recognized negative influences within us.

As we take accountability for what we bring into our families and relationships the way will be cleared to make the changes that will bring us back on course to the higher and happier ground we all seek.

Some time ago we visited an ancient ruin of a once great Mayan city. As we walked through the  grounds studying the crumbling stone buildings and signs of magnificent sculpture, frescoes, and even impressive technology, it was easy to see in our imagination through the mists of 1200 years the hustle and bustle of thousands of citizens of the city involved in trade, worship, play, and all aspects of life.

The city was well situated in terms of productive soil, adequate water supply, and a defensible position on cliffs overlooking the sea. In any such setting our minds eventually come up against the question: What happened to these people? Where did they go?

At least part of the answer to that question is found in the annals of history. In the 1520’s a Spanish ship anchored just off shore from the city. It is easy to imagine the dilemma of the Mayan leaders. On  one hand they were in a secure position to defend themselves against what was a very small Spanish force, should the Spaniards prove hostile. Put they were also immensely curious about these white, bearded people and their technology that was so different from that of the Mayans. And so they invited them in.

Within a matter of just a few short months this great city was in crisis as hundreds, perhaps thousands, died from an unseen plague. Eventually the city was generally abandoned and the jungle began to relentlessly take it back.

You see, whether the Spanish were hostile or bent on destroying this city and people was irrelevant, because what they unknowingly brought into the Mayan city were European diseases, perhaps germs such as small pox and cholera. The Mayan people had no natural immunity to such diseases and were annihilated as thoroughly as though by gun and sword.

As we work with marriages and families in crisis we often can trace much of the decline back to a few choices that introduced an unseen and, at first, unfelt infection into the individuals which then proceeded to overwhelm them, and then their relationships.

In our next few postings we will point out some of those deadly “diseases” that we unknowingly invite into our lives and homes and describe the havoc they can wreak. Some of those deadly influences come through our televisions, computers, and iPods and are doubly dangerous because society simply winks at them without recognizing the toll they take. Others are erroneous beliefs and attitudes that can doom a marriage if not corrected. Still others come in the form of habits or addictions.

We will also give some ideas about how to make different choices that will invite the fresh and cleansing air of healing  and joy into our families. Because at the end of the day just as the Mayans had a choice, we all have a choice of who and what we will invite inside the walls of our families and relationships.