Why Life Marriage Retreats are Successful

Why Life Marriage Retreats Are Successful

Marriage New Year’s Resolution

You probably will not be surprised to learn that the average personal or marriage New Year’s Resolution has a life expectancy of about one week. Most people tend to smile knowingly and a little sadly at such a fact, believing that failed efforts to improve our lives and relationships are simply an unsolvable part of the human condition and there is not much we can do abut it.

The fact is that at LIFE Marriage Retreats we understand very well why efforts to take your marriage to a higher and happier place have not borne lasting fruit in the past. Better yet, we can show you how to deal with the past healthily and move forward into a bright future of lasting positive change.  Prisoners of Past Quote

For this New Year we encourage you to make two resolutions. First, make the commitment to deal with the past, leave it behind, and move into the future with eyes focused on what is best about your partner and your marriage.

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Healing Marriage: The Law of the Monkey

Sometimes at our LIFE Couples Retreats we tell about a certain species of monkey in Africa that can teach us something about healing marriage. Over the years certain tribes have learned how to trap this monkey whether for the stew pot or to sell.  Monkey Trap

The hunter can use either a cavity carved into a tree or even a clay pot with a narrow mouth (see picture). He then puts a few nuts or raisins or whatever bait is available in the pot or the tree cavity. Soon a monkey comes along and smells the bait and reaches into the opening and grasps the nuts or raisins. When the monkey does so his fist becomes too large to withdraw from the opening. The monkey pulls harder and might have a quizzical look on his face, wondering why he can’t get free.

We might think, “Well, just let go of the bait and find a meal somewhere else.” But the monkey does not let go, continuing to try to extract his hand while holding onto the moldy nuts and raisins. Even if there is a better meal of fresh fruit nearby the monkey might stretch to reach it, but will not let go of the bait to free himself. When the hunter returns the monkey will go crazy with fear but still won’t let go.

This leads to the questions: What are you holding onto and unwilling to let go of? What has you stuck in your life and relationship? Are you carrying grudges or pain from the past? Are you stuck in fear, mistrust, or self-doubt? What is holding you back from a healing marriage?

Many people are like the monkey, stuck in a trap, often of their own making, and unwilling to let go and take a seat at the beautiful banquet table of life. While they hold onto moldy nuts and raisins of resentment and fear the best things in life lie beyond their reach.

So just as you might tell the monkey to simply let go, examine what you might be holding on to and tell yourself to just let it go. Might it take some work and perhaps clearing the air in some relationships? Sure. Might it take a sense of personal accountability and humility? Yes. But do what you need to do to resolve the past in a healthy way, and take your seat at the banquet of life.

At a LIFE Marriage Retreat we will help you to recognize what has you trapped and work with you in a life and healing marriage process. Contact us and find the liberation you deserve.

Three Little Tools

Communication Tools

I have been thinking a lot lately about three little tools.  In fact, they cross my mind nearly every time I help a couple to communicate better with one another.  They are to Mirror, Validate, and Empathize. The bottom line to understand about communication is that people want to be heard.  That is why we tend to speak louder, harsher, and without cessation when no one is truly listening.  No doubt you have experienced this in your relationship at one point or another.  Mirroring, validating, and empathizing in a conversation can ensure that your partner feels heard.

To Mirror, you must simply repeat what you have heard your partner say, but in your own words.  Don’t repeat it word for word, because no one likes a parrot and it is not sincere.

To Validate, you must acknowledge that what your partner has said is indeed valid for him/her.

To Empathize, you must convey that you understand how your partner feels and that you can relate to it on some level.

Next time you are in a conversation with your significant other and you sense that the volume is getting louder, the words are becoming harsher, and there is hardly a pause to breathe, take a step back and listen.  Then, mirror, validate, and empathize. Chances are, the mood will change, the conversation will be more productive, and your relationship will be strengthened.

True North

In our LIFE Couples Retreats we often use the phrase, “True North,” referring to the direction that leads to ultimate life and relationship joy and fulfillment. In our trainings we teach the principles and skills that become the compass or GPS that keep us consistently on track, heading true north, toward our desired destination.

Many in our world fool themselves into believing that there are any number of directions that can be defined as an individual’s true north, that there are no rules or maps that govern the journey. It is certainly true that our individual journeys are unique, and that we each will move at our own pace and experience unique side trips and detours. We will always possess our own Compassunique characteristics and personalities. But ultimately  south, east, or west are not North, and as long as we insist on other directions we are doomed to wander lost in the desert, never finding the higher and happier ground we all crave in our relationships.

Over the years we have worked with couple after couple who, before coming to us, had tried to find their way to happiness and peace through back doors and short-cuts. For years they  butted their heads against walls and obstacles, convinced that if they tried it their way just one more time, it would work and they could finally discover the life and relationship of their dreams.

As all of us sometimes do, they had been living in insanity. You remember the definition of insanity, don’t you?Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

What these couples have previously failed to understand is that relationships are governed by principles that are as powerful, pervasive, and even predictable as physical laws such as the law of gravity. While I am all for science being taught in school, sometimes I wish the schools would teach a little less of the Laws of Motion and at least something about The Laws of Successful Relationships; the world would be a happier place.

Left without a map or compass many people stumble frustratingly in the darkness, relationship happiness and fulfillment always out of reach. The principles of successful relationships are always there, unchanging and ready to be put to miraculous use, but instead of allowing those principles to lead them true north to happiness they more often break themselves against them. They don’t figure out that as hard as anyone tries to make it otherwise, dishonesty will always damage us and our relationships. Impatience and anger with others will never bring us the sweet results we ultimately seek. On the other hand, they also find it hard to comprehend that principles of kindness and honest attempts to understand the perspective of another will always bring  warm rewards.

In our human pride we so want to do things our way and will fight to defend our turf and prove ourselves right. By the time most of our couples come to us they have wearied of the fight and have come to the conclusion that they would rather be happy than “right.” They have decided that humility is not weakness but perhaps the greatest strength that they will ever know. They are open to learning a better way and a new direction.

These couples soak up the principles and skills, thrilled as they almost immediately see the positive results of their first hesitant attempts to bring new skills and true principles into their lives and relationships.

It’s not always easy. Old beliefs die hard; former habits don’t always leave quietly. Most of us have spent decades  developing our current ways of being so we won’t be able to make a complete shift overnight.

But if you are like other people we have worked with, you are ready for new light, greater happiness, and are prepared to commit to an exciting and joyful journey. That is all that is necessary.

We hope you will join us sometime soon.