After 15 years of working with couples at our LIFE Marriage Retreats and through our AfterCare program, we have come to recognize some commonalities among those couples who take their relationships to the highest and happiest ground. Certainly all those couples followed crucial principles and practices to work through the often daunting issues that had created crisis in their marriages, but just as important, they brought simple daily words and gestures into their lives to continue growing their relationship trust and fulfillment into the future.

“I’m here for you.”

Happy couples know their partner has their back. They trust that home will always be a sanctuary from a world that can sometimes feel a little cold and uncaring. They feel strengthened and renewed by a partner who understands their needs and cares about their well-being, and reminds them of that often. Think of how safe it feels to face life’s challenges with someone you can count on.

“I noticed the good that you did. Thank you!”

Acknowledgment and gratitude are powerful love languages for most people. Struggling couples tend to focus in on what their partner does wrong rather than noticing what they do right, leading to frustration for everyone concerned. Grateful couples know that they will influence their partner in positive ways by noticing and cheering their contributions, not by nitpicking their stumbles. All of us want to feel respected and acknowledged, especially by the most important person in our lives. Happy couples find ways to express gratitude for one another every day, not just on the annual birthday or Valentines cards.

“Can I help you with that?”

Offers of a helping hand to a partner faced with a task or a challenge are a clear expression of love that speak volumes to their heart. Acts of service are unmistakable ways of communicating the message “I care.” Happy couples find that place known as interdependence. They are not dependent on one another in powerless ways, but find joy in the unity of being a team and able to lean on one another appropriately.

“I’m Sorry.”

As we are counseling with couples early in their journey to healing we often sense moments when, if one or the other could simply muster up the humility and courage to express a heartfelt apology, we know the walls that have build up between them would begin to crumble. It’s hard to stay silent and allow them to work to that point in their own time. But as they communicate and reconnect at the Retreat the time finally comes when the cleansing apologies can be spoken and forgiveness extended. With that experience, a couple learns that a consistent willingness to take accountability and express regret for a misstep will keep the air clear and prevent the inevitable hurts and frustrations from festering.

“I feel…”

Vulnerability is a powerful way to build trust with your partner. Sharing feelings, hopes, dreams, and concerns with one-another helps bring an accuracy to our feelings and expectations. Struggling couples find it hard to trust enough to be vulnerable so they are left to write their own scripts about what their partner might be thinking or feeling, and almost always those stories they tell themselves will be inaccurate and even damaging. Happy couples know what this beautiful quote about friendship means: “A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that gentle hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

“I would like it if…”

The happiest couples are willing to talk about their wants and needs, and listen to those of their partner. Even after years of companionship they don’t take things for granted or believe they know everything that is important to one another. Helping each other fulfill legitimate physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs is one of the most effective trust building practices for a couple. Such caring and giving inevitably leads to a depth of trust and emotional and physical intimacy and connection that remain unavailable to those couples that are too busy or afraid to share honestly about needs and what helps them to feel valued.

Stay conscious of opportunities to speak such words of peace regularly in your marriage

If you have gotten out of the habit of acknowledging and thanking your partner, apologizing for the inevitable stumbles, and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with one-another, set a goal to get into those good habits again. It might feel hard to break through the ice and walls that have built up between you, but stay true and both of your hearts will soften and the way will be cleared to take your relationship to higher and happier ground!

You can read more about other relationship-building daily expressions in Kelsey Borresen’s book, “11 Things the Happiest Couples Say to Each Other all the Time.”

In our previous post we described the rewards of making regular deposits into our partner’s Emotional Trust Bank Account. In fact research by Dr. John Gottman and our own personal experience suggests that what really separates healthy and thriving couples from those in marital misery is a specific balance between the negative and positive feelings and actions toward one another, especially during times of conflict. So for a moment here we are simply looking at how the couple interacts with one-another when the chips are down, when they don’t see eye-to-eye. You can probably identify with those times.

The research is clear that we need to produce at least 5 positive indications and responses for every negative one to find our way to healthy resolution of conflict and re-securing shaky trust. We see this truth borne out at every Retreat we do.

In the heat of the moment

At a recent Retreat I tuned in carefully to a couple, Millie and Tony, as they worked through a very painful and delicate issue that had brought their relationship to the brink. They both harbored hurt and resentment which, if a couple is not careful and aware, can lead to being swept away in negative emotions and blame. They had spent much of the previous year of conflict in a state of emotional and trust account bankruptcy and it was hard to break out of old habits. And indeed, in this conversation, this good couple found their voices rising a time or two, and Millie said once, “Are you blind! What were you thinking?!”

As the conversation went on I gave them some coaching but, more often than not, they caught themselves in time to right the ship. On the image I have noted some of Millie’s actual words. Her exasperated statement is on the right, and on the left you can see five more positive expressions expressed during part of the conversation that, in turn:

1. Validated Tony’s feelings
2. Let him know that she was working to understand his perspective
3. Apologized for her demeaning comment
4. Brought up a positive memory and his part in it
5. Thanked Tony for his efforts at showing her patience

This was an hour-long conversation and there were a couple of more examples of flaring emotions, but far more instances of open, positive, and accountable statements that led Tony and Millie to a sense of unity and trust. They weren’t keeping score of withdrawals and deposits, but they were consciously making efforts to make honest deposits into one-another’s emotional and trust bank accounts and they ended up staying well within the solvency of the 5:1 rule, finding solutions and, more important, forgiveness.

It is worth the effort!

Obviously, when we are getting along with our spouse it feels easier to say and do positive and affirming things. It seems easier to keep a positive cycle of Thoughts, Behaviors, and Feelings going. During those times 8 or 10 to 1 might not be a stretch.

When you were dating that number probably seemed forever attainable, but somehow slowly got turned upside-down to where you find yourself today. How do you get yourself turned right side up again? Well, consciously creating lots of positive trust account deposits, and fewer negative ones will be a big part of the answer. Remember, the Make and Keep promises plan is one way we can consciously create more positive deposits. You will find something powerful in bringing that same level of consciousness, and even planning, to making many other deposits moment to moment every day.

Begin right now. You can choose to dwell on the problems and disappointments in your relationship, and talk endlessly about your partner’s negatives. That is guaranteed to create stress and drain the well-being from both of your accounts and the marriage. Or you can set your mind to be grateful. You can choose to notice and appreciate the good things in your relationship and about your spouse. Instead of making a sarcastic remark, you can offer a sincere compliment, they both take about the same amount of effort, and the compliment will bring a much better result than the sarcasm. Instead of complaining or nagging, tell your partner what you appreciate about him or her. By increasing the ratio of positives in your relationship, you will increase the level of happiness and satisfaction you both feel.The rewards will come quickly.

At our LIFE Marriage Retreats we place great focus on the couples making and keeping promises to their partner. Some of these promises are made for the duration of the Retreat and might include offer of some service, such as giving their partner a backrub each night of the Retreat. Other promises focus on conflict resolution and changes of behavior as the couple seeks to bring their marriage to higher and happier ground. Whatever the case, one of the fastest ways to build trust with another person is to consistently make and keep promises, even simple ones, to that person.

Allow me to give you one powerful example of making and keeping a promise. We once worked with a couple, Jason and Michelle, whose trust in one another had been shaky for years, then had finally been shattered through infidelity.

Michelle’s promise to Jason

They had separated before the Retreat and Jason’s main hope in attending the Retreat was to simply figure out how to end the marriage somewhat amicably. They did rediscover some of their civility and friendship during the Retreat but he had no intention of moving back in. But Michelle made a promise at the Retreat that she would take responsibility, even as the processes toward divorce started, to create at least one meaningful interaction per week between them. Jason accepted the promise, wanting to keep some connection at least for the children’s sake. And Michelle delivered on the promise, week after week, month after month.

She arranged to have dinner together once in a while. She invited him to go grocery shopping with her; they went on walks together and talked about the children. She invited him to help her look on the Internet for a gift for his mother. They kept up the communication technique they had learned at the Retreat, and gradually they felt safer with one another and began to trust.

Creating frequent and safe interactions together

Frequent and safe interactions are essential to rebuilding trust, and Michelle’s promise went directly to that need. Michelle and Jason are now back together and happy, because Michelle had the courage to make and keep a promise, and because Jason accepted the promise and supported Michelle in keeping it. Now their promises are about whose turn it is to put the kids to bed, and who is finding babysitters for date night, and they keep those too. Have no doubt about this: their relationship was very nearly dead and now it is thriving, and made and kept promises are one of the keys to that miracle. Think of the power this type of promise can have on any average marriage. Limitless possibilities.

I get it that sometimes trust has been so damaged that it is hard to imagine small commitments growing into something meaningful. But remember that your downward spiral likely started with small broken promises and forgotten commitments and vows. You get to start your exhilarating upward climb somewhere and making and keeping some simple but meaningful promises to your partner is a a great place to begin.

You can find a detailed program for building trust by making and keeping promises in our new online course, “Rescuing Trust,” coming soon.

A Craving for Trust

We often instruct our couples to ask themselves a couple of questions: I invite you to ask yourself and answer these same questions. They will give you a sense of direction in your quest to build a trustworthy and trusting marriage.

The two questions are, “What do I want to be able to trust in my partner?” “What would I like my partner to trust in me?” Take a moment to answer those questions in your own mind. Set some of the negative feelings and emotions aside that might have built up over time, and quietly state to yourself how you want to be trustworthy and what trustworthiness would look like in your partner.

Do some things come to mind? Now see if any of your trust yearnings and issues might match up with heartfelt desires expressed by our many couples over the years.

The Three Baselines of Marriage Trust

There are basic expectations that all of us should be able to experience in our most important relationship. The first three of those we refer to as the Baselines of marriage trust. Certainly a human mistake in one of these need not doom a marriage, but any breaking of them must be recognized and resolved in a healthy manner or our relationship trust will be seriously damaged:

• Respect and Civility. We must have an expectation of being treated in a civil and manner, and a deep commitment to offer the same respect to others There is excuse for disrespect. Ever.

 

 

• Next is Fidelity. We want to know our partner will be faithful and loyal, both physically and emotionally. We crave to feel that we are one-another’s top priority.

 

 

• Charity and Forgiveness. We want to know that we are in a caring relationship where each partner freely gives without keeping score. We want, through forgiveness, to be able to cleanse the toxic air and debris that build up in marriage and family relationships as a result of human mistakes.

 

 

Other Areas of Trust that Breathe Life Into Marriage

• To know that our partner puts us first in their life and shows that through behavior and words.
• We want to trust that we will receive emotional support and understanding, through thick and thin.
• We want to feel confident that our partner will be their word and follow through on promises and commitments.
• We want to trust that our partner will embrace their agreed-upon roles and responsibilities in the relationship.
• We want to know that we will not abandon one another in the face of inevitable conflict and disagreements. We want to feel safe to talk about and resolve differences without fear that divorce or walking out will be threatened or implied.
• We want to trust one another to never harm, reject, or control. We want to be accepted by one another.
• That our partner will be loyal to and accept us for who we are at this point in our journey (while still holding us accountable).

Did you hear some of your hopes and desires regarding trust in that partial list?

Perhaps you heard some items that you feel safe and secure about. That should provide you with a sense of hope that other foundational trust areas can also be strengthened. But you likely heard some trust issues that afflict your most important relationship. Have hope. Recognition is a big part of the battle toward change. Your commitment to that change will be the most important part of finding trust and trustworthiness.

Learn more about these challenges and beautiful opportunities in LIFE’s upcoming online course, “Rescuing Trust.”