Healing Marriage: The Law of the Monkey

Sometimes at our LIFE Couples Retreats we tell about a certain species of monkey in Africa that can teach us something about healing marriage. Over the years certain tribes have learned how to trap this monkey whether for the stew pot or to sell.  Monkey Trap

The hunter can use either a cavity carved into a tree or even a clay pot with a narrow mouth (see picture). He then puts a few nuts or raisins or whatever bait is available in the pot or the tree cavity. Soon a monkey comes along and smells the bait and reaches into the opening and grasps the nuts or raisins. When the monkey does so his fist becomes too large to withdraw from the opening. The monkey pulls harder and might have a quizzical look on his face, wondering why he can’t get free.

We might think, “Well, just let go of the bait and find a meal somewhere else.” But the monkey does not let go, continuing to try to extract his hand while holding onto the moldy nuts and raisins. Even if there is a better meal of fresh fruit nearby the monkey might stretch to reach it, but will not let go of the bait to free himself. When the hunter returns the monkey will go crazy with fear but still won’t let go.

This leads to the questions: What are you holding onto and unwilling to let go of? What has you stuck in your life and relationship? Are you carrying grudges or pain from the past? Are you stuck in fear, mistrust, or self-doubt? What is holding you back from a healing marriage?

Many people are like the monkey, stuck in a trap, often of their own making, and unwilling to let go and take a seat at the beautiful banquet table of life. While they hold onto moldy nuts and raisins of resentment and fear the best things in life lie beyond their reach.

So just as you might tell the monkey to simply let go, examine what you might be holding on to and tell yourself to just let it go. Might it take some work and perhaps clearing the air in some relationships? Sure. Might it take a sense of personal accountability and humility? Yes. But do what you need to do to resolve the past in a healthy way, and take your seat at the banquet of life.

At a LIFE Marriage Retreat we will help you to recognize what has you trapped and work with you in a life and healing marriage process. Contact us and find the liberation you deserve.

An Important Step in Healing Marriage

A commitment to healing marriage can include this simple exercise:

Imagine you are standing on the edge of a small forest, and you can faintly see your partner through the trees, standing on the other side. Imagine the trees as the issues, hurts, and irritations that currently stand between you both, the ones that you argue about or that keep you silently fuming or withdrawn from one another.  Trees Marked for Cutting

You want to come back together as a couple, but the forest of issues and disagreements seems too thick. Your first instinct might be to pull out the axes and begin attacking the trees, chopping at them, working to resolve dozens of seemingly big relationship issues.  But you quickly discover there seem to be too many, and more trees/issues are growing all the time. What to do?

Perhaps we can learn something from a ranger tasked with keeping a real forest environment healthy. The ranger will evaluate the the trees in a given area and place a bright ribbon or splash of paint on those designated for removal. Those trees are then removed and the entire forest benefits as light and nutrients are better distributed.

I don’t want to take the analogy too far, but ask that you note a couple of parallels with your relationship management. Can you identify those issues/trees that lie between you that are truly sucking the light and life out of the marriage? Now, as a couple,  “mark” those trees and commit that your problem solving energies are going to be directed only toward those issues. Make certain the problems designated for attention are true issues that lie between you, not just sapling misunderstandings, irritants, or idiosyncrasies  that you wish your partner didn’t have.

Work together on the big trees:

  1. Clearly define the problem
  2. Use a formal communication technique to keep things under control and on track (we teach some great ones at LIFE Marriage Retreats)
  3. Commit to seeing and understanding one another’s perspective
  4. Both partners make meaningful, written commitments to one another, including promises to change when appropriate
  5. Follow through on your commitments

After working with hundreds of couples in a marriage healing retreat setting we have found that most really have only 2-4 significant trees that are damaging the relationship ecosystem. As couples focus on those issues they invariably discover that many of the other relationship-blocking issues were related to the few major issues, and fade away.

Now, what about those remaining seemingly irritating trees? Certainly some of those will be naturally taken care of in a healthier marriage environment and as both partners commit to ongoing growth and change. But it is essential that you realize that NEVER will they all go away. You will have the choice to see remaining differences as twisted sun-blocking trees, or simply as part of a fascinating and beautiful garden. You will either continue to be endlessly and uselessly frustrated by them or you will learn to appreciate your partner’s different perspectives and ways of doing things. It is your choice.

So if you are committed to a healing marriage, start with some careful but committed pruning of real problems, but also be willing to sit back and simply enjoy some of the natural and exhilarating differences between the gardeners! And if the forest seems too thick, don’t hesitate to contact LIFE Marriage Retreats.

Peace in Marriage: A Gift Beyond Measure

I recently saw a peace lily that reminded me of a deeply held belief: to experience true peace in our lives we must first have peace in marriage and family relationships.

At our LIFE Marriage Retreats as couples discuss issues of trust in marriage or problems with their marital communication, the ultimate result they are seeking  is simply peace. When a person gets caught up in pride, contention, hurt, or disappointment their heart “goes to war” with their partner, and their peace, and the peace of the relationship, is destroyed.  Peace Lilly

Since everyone is in relationship with fallible humans, a consistent necessity will be your willingness and ability to work through conflict and real issues that confront you and your marriage without sacrificing your peace of heart and mind. Here are a few of the key principles that will help you to  face the inevitable storms of life while still maintaining a personal space of calm:

  • Speak “Softly.” It is important that we express our thoughts, perspectives, and feelings honestly. It is entirely possible to do so in healthy and appropriate ways that promote safety in the relationship without raising blood pressures.
  • Seek first to understand the perspective of your partner, then to calmly help them to understand yours.
  • Be accountable and abandon the need to be right, and not only when you are wrong<smile>! An openness to possibilities and the views of others will engender that same sense of openness and relationship humility in them.
  • Serve your partner every day. Express your love in many ways, but always remember that service is the greatest expression of love in the universe. True service will help you toward the ideal where the peace and well being of your partner are as important to you as your own.

These and other efforts will build an emotional bank account that even in times of stress and challenge will retain a sufficient positive balance to give us a sense of confidence that we can find healthy resolution of issues and differences. At a LIFE Marriage Retreat we will help you to find balance and inner relationship peace.

Trials and challenges are simply a part of our relationship experience, don’t allow them to significantly erode your internal peace or that of your relationship. Peace in marriage is too precious to squander.

Forgiveness in Marriage

How important is forgiveness in marriage? It has been said that “a good marriage is simply the union of two good forgivers.”

The fact is that we fallible humans make mistakes and poor choices, hurting not only ourselves but other people as well. If we do not figure out how to clear away the inevitable debris and toxic air that build up in our relationships they will eventually crush and poison us.  Forgiveness in Marriage

Dr. Robert Enright is widely recognized as the leader in research into forgiveness in relationships. He distills all of his research and experience down into a beautiful sentence:

“Interpersonal forgiveness is a willingness to abandon ones right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love to him or her.”

This statement implies some effort in offering true forgiveness in marriage that goes beyond words and even outward actions, indicating a healing of hearts and souls. This leads to an astonishing result: As we forgive others, the natural byproduct will be growing compassion, generosity, and love! This means that even though we as married couples should never intentionally inflict pain on one another, when we do slip up, opportunities are created to refine ourselves and our marriage as we communicate, explore perspectives and forgive.

At LIFE Marriage Retreats we often work with couples who are filled with resentments and mistrust. As they embrace and practice the principles and skills they are learning, they are able to speak about past hurts and disappointments in safe, healthy, and accountable ways. We worked recently with Jay and Emily, a couple with three children and busy work schedules. Over time they had allowed the busyness of their lives to get between them and spending quality time together; this led to loneliness and emotional disconnect between them, and eventually to feelings of hurt and blame for one another.

It was marvelous to work with Jay and Emily as they resolved their issues. They could feel past resentments melting away as they found their way to frank and honest forgiveness. Margo had shared with them the analogy of a broken bone representing a damaged relationship. When a broken bone is cleaned out and set properly it heals and the old break actually becomes stronger than the surrounding bone. That is the case with Jay and Emily today, their relationship is stronger because they took the time to cleanse and heal it.

They discovered this wonderful truth about forgiveness in marriage: those who forgive are less angry, more hopeful and happy, and less anxious and stressed. They found that forgiveness is a liberating gift they were able to give themselves and one another.

A True Marriage Retreat–The LIFE Marriage Retreats Way

When thinking about a Marriage Retreat most couples have a certain vision of their expectations. They imagine the perfect location of natural beauty and ambiance; an environment of peace and harmony, and in the company of a few other supportive and caring couples. We applaud and support those expectations.

For years as I have written this blog my main intent has been to deliver immediate value to your relationship through offering proven relationship principles and skills that you can use right now. Please scroll through the blog messages and you will find dozens of such tips and principles. But today, while certainly wanting to deliver value, I must admit to having a small “burr under my saddle.” 

I often wonder why so many couples, who set out looking for the ideal experience, settle for something less than a true Marriage Retreat? Why do they end up traveling to a location, finding their own hotel, eating at fast food restaurants, and meeting in a counselor’s office for a predetermined amount of time each day? Or why do they settle for a “boot camp” experience at a busy hotel, packed into a meeting room with dozens of other couples, feeling like a number with little connection to facilitators or counselors?

While marriage boot camps or glorified counseling sessions might hold some value for some couples, they simply are not true marriage retreats. LIFE believes in a true retreat setting and culture. See if this might better match what you are really looking for:

  • Locations in the midst of nature, whether perfect beach or mountain setting.
  • Hosts and a few couples together in a beautiful beach house or mountain cabin, enjoying their own private suites, as well as spacious common areas. (LIFE also offers private one-on-one retreats)
  • A nurturing atmosphere where you find a space of safety where healing occurs, communication flourishes, and trust grows.
  • Actually experiencing the principles and skills that define every successful relationship, and feeling them gain full traction in your heart and marriage.
  • All-inclusive pricing so you can focus on your relationship and the Marriage Retreat experience rather than the stressful details of food and lodging.
  • Lasting healing and positive change in your relationship.

If you are looking for a boot camp environment, then, by all means, go to a boot camp. If you are looking for traditional counseling that is just farther away from home, then find such a service.

But if you are looking for a true retreat experience that will exceed all your expectations, then consider the elite LIFE Retreat, the best marriage retreats available.

Next posting-back to the principles and skills of this magical relationship called marriage!

The New Year and Quantum Leaps

If you are like me your history of New Years Resolutions is spotty at best. Our ability to successfully follow through on a resolution or the forming of new habits will always be dependent on something more than just self discipline. It’s as if we cannot force such changes on ourselves, but instead must absorb them or, to put it a different way, we must allow the change we are seeking to happen from the inside out. 

At a LIFE Marriage Retreat we help individuals and couples to build a strong internal foundation of unchanging principles and proven skills. One key to our success is in introducing what we refer to as Quantum Leaps which help our couples to take huge steps in their progress in just a few days.

For example, Stephen R. Covey, the renowned author and consultant, describes being on a train with just a few other passengers and enjoying the relaxed and peaceful atmosphere as he travels toward his destination. Then at a stop, a father and three children get on the train and everything changes. The man sits next to Covey and stares at the floor as the children run wild in the train, screaming and roughhousing, climbing over seats, falling into other passenger’s laps and generally ruining the ride for everyone. Covey sits there growing frustrated and angry over this terrible family, wondering why the father does not do something about it.

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A New Perspective of Conflict

At our LIFE Marriage Retreats Margo and I describe to couples the way we envision a conflict or issue we are dealing with. Rather than allowing the issue to come between us as something to be fought over, leading to a struggle to prove ourselves right, we instead work to envision ourselves on the same side, standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with the issue from that vantage point. We realize that we want to be on the same side more than we want to “win” the argument. We remind ourselves that our marriage relationship is far more important than the disagreements we might have.

 There is nothing wrong with conflict in a marriage, it is inevitable. Conflict is simply a different perspective, a dissimilar opinion of possible solutions. It is when we begin to contend or fight over the conflict that it becomes damaging. We have the choice in every disagreement to either tear our partner down in an effort to prove ourselves right, or to unite to solve a common problem, building our relationship in the process.

 The next time an issue arises in your relationship be aware of how you perceive the situation. Are you looking at your partner as the problem and as an adversary? If so, make a shift and see the issue as the problem, and unite with your partner in finding common ground and a solution that works best for all. Problem solving always feels best as part of a team rather than as adversaries.

A Beautiful Paradox

How long did it take you to realize that your marriage or committed relationship was not going to entirely be a bed of roses? A few months? Or did the honeymoon phase last for a full year?

The so-called honeymoon phase is a wonderful time for a couple and helps us create some cherished shared memories and strong bonds to help us weather future trials. But it is not meant to last. While romance and hormones can and should continue to play their parts in our maturing relationship, they should primarily be a bridge leading us to the warm, intimate, and fulfilling companionship that marks the happiest lasting marriages. The relationship fires still burn, but their warmth is constant and glowing in contrast to the relatively brief and meteoric heat of early romance.

This is as it should be. Those who mourn the perceived decline in romantic fires have not yet grasped what lies next in a healthy and well-managed relationship. They can look forward to growing trust, a deeper emotional connection, and a clarity of relationship vision and goals. They can also look forward to the attainment of relationship Wisdom. This wisdom helps us keep our marriage pointing “True North” even in the midst of the occasional fogs and storms that might temporarily obscure the sun and guiding landmarks.  Marriage Paradox

A crucial part of that wisdom is the understanding that our partner will never be “perfect.” There will always be some percentage of their behaviors or ways of being that we might find irritating or exasperating, and that we might change if we could tap them with a magic wand. Thank heaven we don’t have such a magic wand, as that would destroy one of the major purposes of marriage. Our deepest and most committed relationship is where we will experience the greatest refining of our hearts and souls. Marriage is the great classroom of the Universe that best tutors us in the highest laws of kindness, patience, accountability, and charity.

So next time you find yourself irritated over something your partner has said or done, rather than fuming about how to solve this “problem,” it might be more healthy to simply accept it as a fact of life. From there you can better learn how to focus on their best traits and enjoy the many strengths and gifts they bring into the relationship.

Some habits and behaviors MUST be dealt with and changed in healthy ways. Some lines such as civility and fidelity must not be crossed. But it is our experience at LIFE Couples Retreats in working with couples that many of the complaints partners have about one another can be charitably overlooked and the person accepted as they are.

Here is the payoff: Research shows that as we love and accept our partner for who and what they are we free them and invite them to change in more positive ways than we ever can through complaints and demands. This is the beautiful paradox of marriage–the more we love and accept one another the way we are, the more positive change we experience in ourselves and our partner.

What Do You Desire?

Dallin Oaks has said, “Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. Desires we act upon determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming.”

Many years ago I found myself at what felt like a dead-end in my life and relationships. My marriage was disconnected and mistrusting; my career felt stagnant and misdirected. There seemed to be no sweetness to be found in life.

Those trying times had a purpose; painful experiences can be a key motivator to nudging us back on a healthier life course, drawing us away from the wastelands where we sometimes wander.

I am grateful that for me personally, rather than making me give up on my marriage and life, this difficult period led me to consider and readjust my desires, what I really wanted. In doing this I experienced and learned things about the power of desires and dreams in our lives. Allow me to share a few of those insights:  Marriage Change Ahead

1. We always have desires, but those desires are not always directed at what will best serve us and our ultimate happiness. The wonderful truth is that as we form appropriate goals and visions in our lives, our desire to achieve those goals can override other less healthy desires that might have us bound or misdirected. One very simple example of overriding one desire for another is that of eating; we have a physical desire to eat, including to eat certain things, but we have all experienced times when we replaced that desire with another, perhaps the desire to have a healthier diet by refraining from eating at times when we might want to. The same choices are available to us as we set aside our desire for isolation or our need to be right, and replace that with a desire for emotional connection and healthy communication in our relationships.

2. What we truly desire is that which we most diligently seek. If our good desires are sufficiently intense, they will motivate us to break free from habits, beliefs, and behaviors that stand in the way of achieving the greater good. If our time and energy are being spent in other pursuits at the expense of that greater good, we can be fairly certain that our desire for that positive dream might not be as strong as we imagine.

3. Good and healthy desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must come from our heart and be unwavering. This choice to develop such a desire is an intensely personal decision, dependent on nobody else.

4. We will eventually become (or receive) that which we most insistently desire. The universe will not deny us; so we had best select and cultivate those desires carefully.

Just as I had to do those many years ago, you might need to ask yourself the probing question, “What do I truly desire?” Like me, you might answer that one thing you really want is a close, trusting, safe, joyful relationship. That is a good answer, but if you are falling short of that type of marriage, you now get to ask the next question of, “Since I am not currently experiencing the type of marriage I say I want, what do I desire more that might be standing in my way?”

You might discover that what you actually desire more than that ideal relationship is to focus on your career or hobbies; or to spend time in front of the television or computer rather than with your loved one; or you want to be proven right in the latest argument rather than truly seek a win/win.

Many of those desires grow from inconsistencies in us and our life experiences, including what we might have learned in our families of origin. We all know we really do have a strong desire for a great relationship. Keep that desire in the front of your mind, make it a conscious effort to envision what it might look like. Keep that dream shining before you and it will become easier, over time, to change the order of your priorities, to choose your relationship over personal selfishness or fear.

Write this down and put it on your mirror to read everyday:

“Desires dictate our priorities; priorities shape our choices; and our choices determine our actions. Desires we act upon determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming.”

“So Let It Be Written; So Let It Be Done

Those of you of a certain age might remember the epic movie “The Ten Commandments” in which Yul Brynner plays the part of the Pharaoh of Egypt. The Pharaoh had a custom when setting a new policy or law to state with due gravity, “So let it be written; so let it be done.” This meant that negotiations and considerations were over and woe to anyone who did not obey the edict or deliver on their commitments. Writing our Marriage Commitments

For many years after that movie it was common to hear a teacher or meeting facilitator say, somewhat jokingly as an instruction was given or a decision reached, “So let it be written; so let it be done.” That was the signal for everyone to be on the same page and get to work on bringing the desired outcome to fruition.

During our Marriage Retreats our couples deal with the most important issues, challenges, and opportunities facing them and their families. They are thrilled as they build a solid base in their relationship then use the principles and skills they have learned to communicate effectively and find resolution to problems and set a new vision for their future.

After every successful discussion the couple is deeply relieved to have succeeded and somewhat giddy in their happiness. But we always gently bring them back to the task and ask them to:

1.    Clearly state the commitments they have made to one another.

2.     Repeat back what their partner has said so they both know they “get it.”

3.     Write the commitments down in their journal and read them to one another to make certain what is written is clearly understood by both partners.

In other words, the final step in a crucial conversation aimed at solving a problem or making a plan is represented in the Pharaoh’s ancient edict: “So Let It Be Written—So Let It Be Done.”

Try this as part of your problem solving processes and you will find that the follow-through of you and your partner delivering on your commitments on time and on task will increase; and you will find yourself with fewer of those relationship and life “weeds” that otherwise seem to just keep growing back time after time.