How to Keep Resentment from Ruining Your Relationship

How to Keep Resentment from Ruining Your Relationship

 What does it mean to resent someone? Here are some synonyms of resent to give you a better understanding: feel bitter about, be annoyed at, take offense at, harbor a grudge about. It’s probably not hard to think of the last time you felt resentful about something.

You’re not a bad person for feeling resentful but it’s definitely not a pleasant feeling, and it’s one you want to avoid, especially when it comes to your marriage. Resentment has a way of starting out as a small crack in your composure and ending up as a full-blown crevice that separates you and your spouse. If you want to keep this resentment rift from forming, follow these tips:

  1.  Express Yourself

Resentment is often a result of you feeling mad about something your spouse did or didn’t do and keeping the feeling bottled up inside. As your anger and bitterness start to fester and grow, you get to that breaking point that, once you snap, always comes out explosive. To keep yourself from becoming a loose cannon, you need to communicate your feelings, in a considerate and respectful way, when you feel them—not two days later.

Learning how to express yourself in a productive, kind manner is one of the simplest and most effective ways of mitigating resentment. If it’s so simple, then why is it so hard, you may ask? Communicating, in theory, should be easy because all you’re doing is talking to someone.

The physical act of talking is the easy part. What makes expressing yourself so hard is that so many emotions are involved, like fear of hurting your spouse’s feelings, anger at being hurt yourself, or irritation at your spouse’s obliviousness. When you have so many not-so-pleasant emotions coursing through your veins, it’s difficult to talk to your spouse in a caring and compassionate way.

That’s why you should take some time to cool off first. Don’t let your temper get the better of you. Take 10, 20, or 30 minutes to just calm your heart rate down and get your mind clear. Once you feel like you’re not going to explode, prepare some phrases that will help you get your feelings out. You might not get it right every time, but the more you practice expressing yourself in a productive way, the better you’ll get at it and the better results you’ll see.

  1. Set Boundaries

 Let’s take a look at a few examples that might leave you feeling resentful:

  • You’re the one who gets the baby every time he wakes up during the night and in the morning
  • Your spouse hardly ever helps clean up after dinner
  • You see your spouse giving more affection to your kids than you
  • You end up being the one filling up the gas tank every time
  • You cook and clean everyday without receiving appreciation in return

 The problem with each of these examples is that you’re probably not telling your spouse that there is a problem and that you’re feeling frustrated. Expressing to your spouse that you’re unhappy with a situation is the first step. Once you do tell your spouse that you’re feeling aggravated about the current setup and that you would like to share the responsibility, talk about what’s going to work for the both you.

 This is where setting boundaries comes in. Learning how to set a boundary is a topic that requires its own article, but here’s the short of it: Set ground rules that that will protect you and your spouse from resentment. For example, if your spouse has to get up early for work, you get the baby when he cries in the middle of the night and your spouse gets him when he wakes up in the morning.

You could also trade off nights getting the baby or have your spouse put the baby to bed each night and you get the baby each morning. You could have your spouse take more responsibility on the weekends while you take more responsibility during the week. Whatever you decide on, make sure you’re both happy with the boundary, not just one of you, and make sure you both get time to rest.

  1. Be Empathetic

 When all you see is your side of things, it’s much easier to get riled up and angry every time you think of an issue that’s bothering you. To keep this from happening, try putting yourself in his shoes. See things from his perspective and be understanding. Getting up early to go to work isn’t always easy and maybe that’s why he has a hard time getting the baby in the middle of the night.

 The more compassion and empathy you have for your spouse, the easier it will be to let the resentment subside and to talk things out in a loving and understanding manner. You’ll be surprised at how much your heart and attitude can soften if you truly put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. The next time you’re having a moment of irritation and anger, pause for a second and try to see things from his perspective. It might alleviate all the tension you’re feeling, but it will definitely help to bring your frustration down a few notches.

  1. Realize that You’re Not Perfect Either

Take a good, long look at yourself and acknowledge that you have weaknesses too. Is it possible that you may be doing something that your spouse doesn’t like or is resentful about?

You need to take responsibility for your imperfections and for the role you might play in certain marital issues. Knowing that you wouldn’t want your spouse to rub your mistakes in your face will make you think twice about lashing out at your spouse for something he did or didn’t do.

  1. Practice Being Vulnerable

One of the reasons it’s so hard to communicate your feelings of anger and bitterness in a moment when your spouse is doing something that’s really bugging you is that expressing means being vulnerable. Communicating your feelings means admitting you’re not perfect and that you need something from your spouse.

It can sometimes make you feel weak and helpless to admit unpleasant emotions, but the irony is that strength comes from being vulnerable. How? You’re admitting you need your spouse’s help, companionship, and teamwork. Once you ask for help, you’ll more than likely receive it, and when you have your spouse’s hands and heart alongside yours, you’re that much stronger.

It’s also important to note that regularly scheduling a meeting between you and your spouse is a key tool for preventing resentment from growing. Making time each day or week to sit down and talk will help you to consistently address the important issues currently happening in your relationship. Schedule this meeting on the same day and at the same time every week so that it becomes a permanent part of your life. It should become so second nature that if you didn’t do it, it would feel like not eating breakfast that day. Regularly communicating with your spouse about important issues is an integral part of thriving relationships.

Sources:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/is-resentment-ruining-your-marriage_b_5531600.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201103/10-steps-letting-go-resentment

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/5-behaviors-ruin-relationships/all/1/

Reasons Why LIFE Marriage Retreats Work

LMR6A new study reveals startling statistics about divorce in the U.S. According to the Minnesota Population Center, divorce rates are higher than previously imagined among older people. Baby boomers who are on their second or third marriages are divorcing at a high rate. However, “two thirds of divorces can be prevented with education and intervention.”1

Where will you be educated? What intervention will make the difference in your relationship?

LIFE Marriage Retreats—as opposed to other marriage retreats in Dallas, Texas—offers comprehensive marriage retreats to help couples create lasting change and a lifetime of growth.

LIFE helps couples achieve their marriage objectives by being dedicated to these Training Retreat principles:

   •             Time

•             Place

•             Learning

•             Support

•             Commitment

The four-day format provides couples with the focused time needed to reconnect and to begin using the principles and skills being learned. The location and environment are also crucial to fostering an atmosphere where healing occurs, trust grows, and communication flourishes. In our beautiful locations you will experience a sense of harmony and feel peace and connection come into your lives and relationship.

But no matter how beautiful the locale, the couple’s success will depend upon what is being taught and the processes used. Participants will discover, learn, and internalize the principles and skills that define every successful relationship, delivered through the finest curriculum and innovative experiential training techniques that allow the couple to experience and practice the principles and skills on a hands-on level

Plus, LIFE offers ongoing support, first through personal support in private sessions during the retreat, then through post-retreat coaching that helps ensure continued accountability, permanent change, and ongoing relationship growth. The couple’s dedication combined with LIFE’s support leads to a lasting commitment to the relationship in the long-term.

If you are looking for marriage retreats in Dallas, check out LIFE Marriage Retreats close by.

 

Resources:

1 Minnesota Population Center http://guidedoc.com/does-marriage-counseling-work-statistics-facts

 

 

3 Key Factors of Best Marriage Retreats

3 Key Factors of Best Marriage Retreats

Searching for a marriage retreat that’s right for you can be a challenge; after all, you do have options. To help you on your way to success with your partner, take into account these three key factors of best marriage retreats. 3 factors of best marriage retreats

  1. Location and accommodations: You are planning to spend a few precious days with your spouse without kids, work, or other normal life distractions, so you should choose a location that will enhance the time you have together. Many marriage retreats are held in hotel meeting rooms or similar charmless locations that do nothing to add to the experience you are looking for. Choose a marriage retreat that offers natural beauty and harmony, conducive to learning, healing, and change. Whether you lean towards beaches, mountains, or rolling hills, select the site best for you. And don’t forget about accommodations. The best marriage retreats are all inclusive, so you can focus on your relationship, not on all the details of where to stay and eat. You need to feel comfortable as you work toward a more fulfilling relationship. The best marriage retreats will offer 5 star accommodations no matter where you go.
  2. One-on-one counseling and real progress: Most marriage retreats will have group activities for all of the participating couples at a retreat. The best retreats will work with very small groups and also offer one-on-one private counseling sessions for you and your spouse. Privacy is key as you work through the issues of your relationship. Your counselor should have the experience to guide you toward success and progress in your marriage, at any stage you might be.
  3. Follow-up: Since marriage retreats are considered a concentrated road to success in your marriage, it is important to continue using the tools and strategies you learned when you return home from the retreat. The best marriage retreats offer follow-up support with the counselors with whom you worked at the retreat, helping you to ensure lasting positive growth and change.

There are many wonderful benefits to be found at the best marriage retreats, however, these three factors can help you select the right program and set you on the course for the best possible experience.

LIFE Marriage Retreats offers each of the three key factors of best marriage retreats, including four sublime locations, one-on-one counseling by caring professionals, and a carefully developed AfterCare post-retreat program. Let us guide you in your journey to a better marriage and a happier life together. Contact us or learn more about our marriage retreats on our website.