Marriage Marauders: Negativity

While there are many potential joys in marriage there are always some marauding predators lurking about prepared to take a bite out of the happiness, trust, and security of our relationship. One of the most common is Negativity. 

Our relationships tend to start with very positive views and opinions of one another, almost as if we were wearing rose colored glasses. Most experts agree that those rose colored glasses are not a bad thing in marriages and we should work to keep them on. That does not mean that we overlook significant negative behavior by our partner, but that we do work to maintain an overall optimism about our marriage, and a positive view of our partner. If we pull out our magnifying glass we can certainly find any number of of flaws in one another, and if we dwell on those flaws, eventually our relationship will turn into a dried husk with little of the vibrant juices that fed it in earlier times.

Additionally, if we allow pessimism and negativity to dominate, we are likely to define all of our partner’s behaviors in that light; even positive attitudes and behaviors will be judged in a harsh and cynical way. The marauding lions will have been set loose in your marriage.

Make the commitment now to shift from a negative space to one of greater positivity and optimism. That might seem like a “Pollyanna” unrealistic response to marital challenges, but it is our experience that the more positive viewpoint will almost always be the more accurate picture of your partner and the relationship. And certainly such an attitude will be appreciated by your partner, leading to feelings of safety and a greater commitment to deal with the real relationship issues in a healthy way.

Start this shift by perhaps making a list of some of your partner’s qualities, talents and attributes. Remember back to your days of courtship and early marriage and some of the early attractions you felt. Think again about why you wanted to spend your life with this person.

We have said it before and it remains one of the brightest truths of happy marriages: Focus on your partner’s positive attributes and your own areas that need change. This will invite positive change from your partner and bring immediate light into the darkness.

Relationship Trumps Results (or, Have Your Cake and Eat It Too)

We recently worked with a couple who had just completed a relatively demanding experiential activity that required significant teamwork and communication. They had some bad moments during the activity, falling back into old patterns of behavior and both of them were feeling upset with themselves and each other.

This couple had felt that the activity in which they were participating had to look a certain way; that to be deemed a success they had to accomplish certain things in specific ways in a certain sequence–and they disagreed about some of the ways and sequences.  Marriage Communication-Have your cake and eat it too

The couple allowed the desire to be right and to force things to look a certain way to overwhelm principles and skills such as kindness, mutual perspective, patience, accountability, and communication. They bickered and demanded and moved back and forth between being passive and aggressive and in the process gummed up both their activity and their relationship.

As we helped them process and learn from the experience we shared with them one of the key “secrets” of successful relationships: Never place external results above the relationship.

Certainly we all want to find good solutions to the various obstacles and challenges we face in our lives and families, but we often get caught up in the need for solutions Right Now and sacrifice our relationship along the way.

In the future when you and your partner are facing one of life’s challenges, make certain that as you begin seeking solutions that you both agree that the relationship comes first and that your communication and problem solving processes will be based primarily on the goal of strengthening your relationship, with an immediate solution being a secondary goal. Sometimes the solution might take a little longer to discover and implement, but as you show mutual respect and patience, and exercise healthy communication skills, you will build the trust and safety of your marriage AND find better solutions as a result.

As you always place the relationship over any external results you are seeking, you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.

Patience and Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”  Patience-Boy Cowboy boots

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

When I first heard this little story I thought about how hard it can be to be patient with others as they are learning about life, commitments, and relationships. As hard as it is to be patient with a stranger, coworker, or neighbor, I often do it better than with members of my own family, those closest and most dear to me! I say and do things I would not think of saying or doing to a stranger.

Let’s all remember that we are in this world of learning relationships together and it will a lot easier and more enjoyable as we do it kindly and with patience.

 

Virtue and Vice

Some time ago Margo and I were working with Sarah and Jeremy at a LIFE Couples Retreat. Their perspectives of one another had, through their years of struggle, shrunk ever narrower until they saw only the negatives in their partner. To help them begin the process of broadening perspective we asked Sarah to name two or three of her husband’s good qualities or attributes. She reflected for a moment, then with tears in her eyes and in a voice of painful wonder she said, “I can’t see any.”

Please note that she did not say, “He doesn’t have any.” She was wise enough to know that if she went to her husband’s friends, associates, other family members, or even simply asked Margo and I, she would be able  to compile a substantial list of talents and attributes. So her breaking heart in that moment was one of confession of self-centeredness and missed opportunities, rather than the blame and acrimony that both had been practicing. And the healing process began.  See your partner's virtues

While there are many wise sayings and homilies that give us hints of simple things to help us build our relationships, there is one that, in my mind, rises above all the others in building a consistently “heavenly” relationship:

“Focus on Your Partner’s Virtues, and Your Own Faults.”

I hope it is obvious that as you focus on those things that are positive in your partner you are not blind to the fact that they are human and fallible. But as you accentuate their virtues, at least two miracles begin to occur. First, your perception of their faults and your associated frustration with them will soften, losing the sharp edges that lead to blame and contention rather than reconciliation. Second, experience and research show that the only real way we can influence others to positive and lasting change is through appropriate acceptance of them and acknowledgment of those things that are best about them. From this firm foundation you can begin to deal far more effectively with things that might not be working in your relationship. If fact, most couples, including Sarah and Jeremy, discover that their list of complaints about one another and the relationship shrinks dramatically just by focusing on the virtues of their partner.

Regarding placing our attention on our own faults, I am not suggesting dragging yourself into discouragement and blindness to your qualities and strengths. Rather I am proposing that as you open yourself in an accountable way to better see your own shortcomings and mistakes you will be finally prepared to place your energy and effort where they can truly make a difference in changing your relationships: by changing yourself. You will never be able to force positive and lasting change in your partner; but as you change yourself in positive ways, you will invite healthy change in your partner and relationship.

Try this simple principle today of focusing on your partner’s qualities and your own areas where exciting and positive change deserves to happen, and I promise you will begin to see immediate results. Oh, it might take a while in being consistent at it for your partner to begin to trust and lower their walls. But in the meantime, you will feel better as a person, less stressed and anxious, more open and loving. And there’s no vice in any of that.

Who’s Not Hearing Whom?

The story is told of a wife growing more and more frustrated over her husband, Harvey’s, progressive hearing loss. She insisted he go to the doctor for tests and hearing aids but he claimed nothing was wrong and refused to go (you know how it can be with prideful men). She called the doctor and poured out her frustration to him, and the doctor gave her a simple way to determine the extent of her husband’s hearing loss. While Harvey was standing at the kitchen counter making a sandwich, she quietly came up to 15 feet behind him and said in a normal voice, “Harvey; Harvey, can you hear me?” There was no response from Harvey so she moved to 10 feet behind him and called his name once more, again with no response. She then moved to 5 feet behind him and said, “Harvey; Harvey…” Harvey responded, “For the third and last time, what do you want!!??” 

In my experience, virtually every time I form a perspective of a loved one’s behavior, motives, feelings, etc. I later discover that my perception was significantly flawed and way different than their reality and perceptions. And just as Harvey’s wife was the one experiencing the hearing loss rather than Harvey, I most often find that I bear some accountability, whether through my own behaviors or flawed perspective, for many of the misunderstandings  and frustrations that sometimes arise in my relationships with others.

Let us learn to not entirely trust and act on our initial perspectives as we try to understand the behaviors of others. First we can look at ourselves to see our own  involvement and accountability, then through healthy communication we can find clarity, understanding, and empathy for those we love, and resolve issues from a place of shared perspective.

Three Little Tools

Communication Tools

I have been thinking a lot lately about three little tools.  In fact, they cross my mind nearly every time I help a couple to communicate better with one another.  They are to Mirror, Validate, and Empathize. The bottom line to understand about communication is that people want to be heard.  That is why we tend to speak louder, harsher, and without cessation when no one is truly listening.  No doubt you have experienced this in your relationship at one point or another.  Mirroring, validating, and empathizing in a conversation can ensure that your partner feels heard.

To Mirror, you must simply repeat what you have heard your partner say, but in your own words.  Don’t repeat it word for word, because no one likes a parrot and it is not sincere.

To Validate, you must acknowledge that what your partner has said is indeed valid for him/her.

To Empathize, you must convey that you understand how your partner feels and that you can relate to it on some level.

Next time you are in a conversation with your significant other and you sense that the volume is getting louder, the words are becoming harsher, and there is hardly a pause to breathe, take a step back and listen.  Then, mirror, validate, and empathize. Chances are, the mood will change, the conversation will be more productive, and your relationship will be strengthened.

“All’s Well That ‘Begins’ Well”

From Biblical Proverbs to Shakespearean plays to common modern idioms we can find wise counsel that the outcome of any event is most dependent on how it starts. Even rappers know this truth–” You know where it ends yo, it usually depends on where you start!” (“What It’s Like;” Everlast)  Shakespear-Soft Start in Marriage

A common mistake in marriages is that of beginning what we hope will be a discussion of possible solutions to an issue with a harsh verbal attack of blame and demands. Invariably the result of such a beginning will be an ending that is as bad or worse than the start. No lasting resolution will be found and the trust and safety of the relationship will be violated.

While there are many keys to ensuring healthy and productive communication on thorny issues, a “soft start” is a crucial one. You can let your partner know of your concerns without turning it into personal attack or a blame-game.

When we criticize our partners, their natural instinct is toward defensiveness which leads to either counter-aggression or “checking out” of the discussion emotionally and/or physically. So rather than accomplishing our goal of a solution and a better relationship, we get damage, frustration, and misery.

Rather than heatedly saying to our partners, “I am so tired of your laziness and not getting any help from you!” we might say, “Honey, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Could you give me a hand with a few chores?” You will likely find some immediate help as well as a safe way to discuss longer term solutions.

You don’t need to hide your needs or play the silent martyr when things aren’t working in your relationship. Just remember that your partner has their own perspective and will be more open to yours when they feel invited to seek solutions rather than forced to defend themselves.

Acceptance and Accountability

One of the key moments in any marriage struggling to get better comes when one partner or both begins to seriously consider a certain relationship conundrum or paradox. The paradox is this:

To truly find joy in a relationship, we must feel accepted and offer our partner acceptance. Yet we are fallible humans who make mistakes and missteps, hurting ourselves and our partner. How can we be accepting of an imperfect person without enabling them in their wrongdoings?  Acceptance Accountability Paradox

Most people worry that if they accept and love their partner as they are, they are inviting that partner to continue making the same mistakes and will end up inhibiting the partner’s growth. And so we resort to criticism, complaints, and demands, believing that if we point out our partner’s weaknesses and foibles just one more time, with a little more forcefulness, they will finally get the message and shape up. This has been the failed pattern of relationships for thousands of years, yet we still choose to knock our heads against that dead end.

Many years ago at a time when our marriage was struggling in many ways, largely due to my own mistakes and selfishness, my wife, Margo, came to me and said something extraordinary. She told me, “I want you to know that I accept you. I love you just the way you are.” She left it at that, she did not add, “But I can’t wait for you to get better!”

You might think that this extraordinary act of generosity might have given me license to behave in any bad way I wanted since my wife would love me anyway. But it was the exact opposite for me as I felt freed to change in positive ways; I was inspired to get better for myself and for Margo.

That is the miracle of accepting someone as they are. Research shows that it is this acceptance that seems to generate the greatest positive change in others. While threats and anger might force temporary change in someone, it never lasts long and damages the relationship in the meantime.

Here is the great balance to that gift of Acceptance: the additional gift of Accountability.

While it might seem counter-intuitive,  experience proves again and again that we can be lovingly accepting of a person (whether our partner, children, friends, etc.), while still holding them accountable for their behavior. Acceptance of a person is NOT acceptance of their negative behavior. When Margo expressed her love and acceptance of me, she in no way resolved me of my accountability for any negatives I was bringing into our marriage.

We can deal with a person’s mistakes in effective and healthy ways without attacking or labeling the person. In doing so we help our partner to feel safe in taking their own accountability, and more open toward us.

Hint: This lifestyle of Acceptance and Accountability will become easier and more effective as YOU are prepared to always take accountability for your own failings and mistakes. As our partner senses our willingness to be an accountable person, they will feel safe and invited to be the same.

Love is a Rose

Pink Rose
The song “Love is a Rose” by Neil Young has always been one of my favorites.  I mention it now because of a truth that it speaks to me.  The song begins, “Love is a rose, but you better not pick it.  It only grows when it’s on the vine.  Handful of thorns and you’ll know you’ve missed it.  You lose your love when you say the word mine.” 

Love is indeed like a rose.  As a verb, love connotes action.  When the action ceases, the love dies. In other words, love must be maintained in order for it to survive.

For many of us who are in committed relationships, the love that we feel wanes from time to time.  For some, the love may have even diminished entirely.  So what can we do to strengthen our love, or bring it back from the dead, so it can maintain its full bloom?  For an answer, look back to the last line of the song verse above. “You lose your love when you say the word mine.”

As long as you act selfishly, the love you seek will elude you. If you really love your partner, or want to love them, begin to act selflessly for them.  Plan a date that they will want to do.  Leave the last piece of desert for them.  Offer to give them a back massage or foot rub.  Like water and sun to a rose, selfless acts of kindness will nourish the love in your relationship and help it to blossom.

A New Perspective of Conflict

At our LIFE Marriage Retreats Margo and I describe to couples the way we envision a conflict or issue we are dealing with. Rather than allowing the issue to come between us as something to be fought over, leading to a struggle to prove ourselves right, we instead work to envision ourselves on the same side, standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with the issue from that vantage point. We realize that we want to be on the same side more than we want to “win” the argument. We remind ourselves that our marriage relationship is far more important than the disagreements we might have.

 There is nothing wrong with conflict in a marriage, it is inevitable. Conflict is simply a different perspective, a dissimilar opinion of possible solutions. It is when we begin to contend or fight over the conflict that it becomes damaging. We have the choice in every disagreement to either tear our partner down in an effort to prove ourselves right, or to unite to solve a common problem, building our relationship in the process.

 The next time an issue arises in your relationship be aware of how you perceive the situation. Are you looking at your partner as the problem and as an adversary? If so, make a shift and see the issue as the problem, and unite with your partner in finding common ground and a solution that works best for all. Problem solving always feels best as part of a team rather than as adversaries.